a loss of control post october cv week.

losing control to diana was always proceeded by a headache, and the sharp sensation of being pulled out of your body. there was always, however, a note, always a meeting with diana to reassure you both. that's how it was for months: losing control, finding notes. trying to find a way to exist with her, trying to navigate a situation that neither of you liked. even if what you had back then were vague sense memories clouding your head, even when there was only the vaguest of idea of what you did during those weeks, you felt diana prince's emotions. there was no real way to avoid them, in how deep they were, in how defining they were. having another being inside of you wasn't like the way yoU thought it would be, and slowly, you two learned.

this isn't how it is right now, in the aftermath of a hard week.

right now, she is there in the front of your head, and there isn't any kind of rope of empathy between you, no talks of reassurance at this moment. right now, diana is at the controls, taking in calls, diverting messages, comforting others, and you are the one left bereft. the coffee she had made has grown cold, and the sandwich she had made is half eaten. where her emotions were a great wave of before, right now, you can hardly feel them rocking against you. it's utter silence, with the only thing she is concerning her with is collecting the idea of those who have been hurt, those who are missing, and details of what was going on. you understand that this is work, that you both sometimes need work to sort out what you feel.

initially, you allow her your silence as you try to wrap your head around everything you've both seen in this week. you can feel the ache in her-- your bones, you can feel the weariness of it all. there are things diana knows, and more that she does not know, and you're bursting with the need for answers. the hours drag on: cataloguing things, checking things. reading as much information as you both can take, swallowing caffeine, then water, then eating nothing at all. the rope is taught, and her emotions still don't wash over you.

the questions you have are buzzing in you, more and more with the impatience you feel. you want to know. you need to know: who was that, what were you both going to do with this new villain showing up in the sky. what was going to happen to the motherbox in some man's stomach, what it was all the point of it all with all of those powers together, diana, diana, diana--

and unexpectedly, instead of diana acknowledging you, instead of diana comforting you, instead of the rope being slack and feeling everything she does or even being pulled into your meeting place, something altogether different happens that you've never felt before: she pushes you out. it isn't rough, it isn't angry. it is simply a force of will, as if fingers have gripped your shoulders and pushes. it is painful, shocking even as diana does it, pushing you further and further away, out of her own emotions. it keeps going until you feel that you're moored and alone from her, forced to simply deal with it as she turns back to the work in front of her.

you used to joke about not liking her for being perfect. this is the first time that you truly feel a spark of dislike and disbelief for her.

it is not a good feeling.